The emotionless state – When I felt nothing.

I have to keep learning. I decided to continue my streak of studies by doing my masters right when I began my undergrad programme. This was my mindset of looking at studies, and also it is comforting to be a student. So whats the harm, right?

But I guess there were other plans in line for me… I had to put up a fight for it.

The fight lasted for two years:

In the first attempt, I applied to two universities. One university put me through a three-round selection process. Moving from round to the other felt good. Going to the final round felt like I was going to get the home-run. But unfortunately, I flunked the last round. I got the acceptance letter from the the second university I applied to. But irony struck cause I felt I needed a more significant challenge. I had to reject the offer letter because the course felt it was limiting regarding the link between the career growth and my personality.

The rebound

The next year came, and this time my application was well prepared. With a better  vision and goal this time when I applied to the best universities only to realise that I would get a huge blow. I got rejected by all.

There was a rage in me to succeed. After this experience, I didn’t want anything other than increasing the fervour with which I should work.

The re-rebound:

I was all prepped up and had applied to three universities (to be on the safe side). Since my application was reviewed by a myriad of people and I was clear-headed on the course and the university, I felt I would get in.

Again it was rejection all over again. This time giving it another year-long wait felt choking and I still had the fight in me. In the nick of time, I found few universities that were still open to applications.

I had faith…I applied… I got in…

This was how I dreamt of this moment. The sun slowly peaks majestically above the horizon. The morning sky filled with birds flying into the sun. On the edge of the cliff, I stand with a spear in one hand, the acceptance letter in the other. I lift both of them up and shout on top of my voice. (Not inspired by lion king)

But in the end, it was nothing

But when I got the letter, all I did was say “hmm”, and I locked the screen and got to work. HOW COULD I NOT SHOUT OR CELEBRATE?

My family and friends took my celebration as their own and were over joyed. I was emotionless and had nothing going on in my mind. What was shocking was how I could be emotionally neutral?

Did I become too comfortable with a battle I have been fighting? Did I start liking the fight to the extent that now it’s over I don’t know what to do? I have a ton more of such questions in my mind.

However, there is something positive about this emotionless state. I will share them with you in my next article.

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